Finals week

Gotta hate finals week, other than the point that you will never see some of your profs ever again. Sure it might be a sad, sad day for some but in the end its for the better, or thats what I keep telling myself. So to everyone out there, stay calm, relax, laugh a little, and your finals shouldnt be as bad as your thinking. Good luck everyone!

In the immortal words printed as the banner of my cell phone.... Ahhhhh FUCK!

Ive been lazy

Yes yes this place still exists I just havent had time to actually put anything online, or the time I have has been squandered. Here is something I typed up the other night and figured I might as well throw it online.

contemplating the meaning of life again, it never stays the same. there is something about its ever changing that keeps me interested in seeking that i know i cannot find. the complexity of a term so simple is a challange to figure out, but sometimes when something is a challenge to figure out the answer is quite simple. so if the answer to life was simple and plain and out in the open why has no one figured it out... or maybe everyone knows the answer its just something that seems too much like common knowledge to even give the title 'answer'. an answer is only an answer to something if the something is a question, so the meaning of life might not even be a question so there is no answer. if this is true all the philosophers who spent years and years of their lives seeking the 'answer' to the meaning of life were simply seeking an 'answer' that doesnt exist.
even the thought of this brings tears to my eyes because someone was so bent on trying to understand this something, that they gave precious time out of their lives to seek this something that in the end really doesnt mean much. to them what they were thinking of ment everything, so it wasnt a waste in their eyes it was a challenge and they knew they would find the answer.
so i ask you now, whats holding you back from doing whatever you want to do with your life? if people can seek something that means so little to many other people so passionately, whats stopping you from doing the same?
for me, personally, its fear. fear of success, fear of losing the world i know to a world i wish to know, a world i wish to be a part of, but the change from this success startles me, it seems too much too great for me to handle. so here i sit contemplating the meaning of life, sending my thoughts in a circle again back to the beginning.

Something, not sure what but its something.

Well this is another year down for me, still alive and still getting older. At midnight tonight I will reach the magical age of 20 when you dont get anything but one year closer to legally drinking and purchasing alcohol. When I first thought of this I had millions of things to type here but now that I start typing I sorta forgot all of them so Im ending this very very early...

Hmm...

What is the definition of love? By a definition of a dictionary...
-A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
-A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
--Sexual passion.
--Sexual intercourse.
--A love affair.
-An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
-A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
-An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
-A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
-The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
All of that is the meaning of love, for some reason I feel that words cannot describe the true meaning of love. Love is something that is felt inside, it is not sexual feelings, it is not attraction physically, it is no romance. Love is something that people have thought about for years and years, many of the great minds of the past and present have thought about such a topic just to find themselves lonely and divorced. I find that no matter how hard that one tries to find love they never will, but when they give in to everything and lose themselves to the world that they will actually find what they are looking for. Many of the great discoveries of our time have been by mistake, or so people say, so why not also love. Is not love a great discovery? Is not love a commitment to live, is not love something that everyone and everything in the world wishes for? I feel that everything in the world, be you human, animal, plant, etc, has a love in this world. For many it is something just as selfish as life itself, but how much love can you show for anyone else if all you care about is your own life? Like I said love is something that people have thought about for year and years and years, and something that people will think about for years to come. What if everything was solved, and everyone knew the absolute feeling of love? Personally I feel that the world would still be missing something, something that everyone needs.

People would be missing the adventure of finding out that love meant to them. There is not one description of love, but millions upon millions of them. Every person in the world has their own definition of love, may it subside over a certain person, or over a certain object, it may even be themselves! I have no room to judge, for I like 80% of the people in the world do not know what true love actually is. I dont have a solution for this dilemma, I dont have my own definition.

The one thing that I do know is when I find my definition of love I will truely feel that it is the true definition. Love is not about sex, its not about money, its not about feeling the best when you are around a certain person. Love is something that no one in the world can explain and if anyone ever tries they will find themselves cornered and confused. There are no words to explain the way you feel, and there is no possible way you could create a string of words to explain how you feel. This is the closest meaning of love I can come up with, though I know this is still wrong.
-Love is something you give everything for and it still isnt enough, Love is something you cry over at night because it bothers you so much, Love is something or someone that you would die for to protect, Love is something that you would give up everything just to be with, Love is something that you dream about day in and day out, Love is something that both people / objects (hopefully people) feel equally, Love is something that not even death can destroy, Love is something that eats away at your heart every moment you arent thinking about it, Love is something that you despise when you lose only because feel like you are missing something in your life, Love is something that misses you as much as you miss it, Love is something that cries with you as you go through hard times. This is my definition of love, sex has nothing to do with it, looks have nothing to do with it, they are only things that most people wish that they could have.

As I think I said, love is a topic best dealt with when you can clearly think about the topic. You cannot decide how much you love a person when all you can think about is... damn I wonder how they are in bed. This is wrong but this is what society has come to, it is all about sex and all of everything that comes from it. Of course this is an added bonus to everything that 'everyone' works for, but this isnt whats totally important. When you feel true love you will know it, you wont need someone to tell you thats what you really want, you wont need the feeling of sex to tell you this is right, you dont need friends to tell you this is best, you will just know, and when you feel this is doesnt matter what else you feel for other people, it will be nothing compared to that person.

If none of this makes sense I am sorry for I am exhausted and the best thing to do at this moment is for me to fall asleep, so until next time keep dreaming and always remember sleep is over-rated.

"Not all that glitters is gold."

So very tired and uninspired

So this will be one of the first times when this is actually about me, or more so than not. It seems that everytime I sit down to do my homework I have inspiration to get it done. I know I want to pass my classes but it seems that there is nothing I can do to make myself get anything done. I laugh at my decisions to do other things, and the other things are starting to annoy me because its the same mindless task over and over again. I will gain spurts of inspirations but nothing gets done with them other than more slacking off. I have an exam on thursday, by the time I wake up tomorrow it will be one day away, almost exactly, and for some reason Im not worried about it. I have studied two of the 6ish sections on the test and feel confident that I dont know enough but at the same time I dont feel like I need to study. Is this just a method of me telling myself that I dont really want to take this path in life or is it myself reverting to high school once again where I didnt have to study. All I needed to do then was goto class and do about half the homework and I would ace almost every test but now I find that even if I study a week in advance I will get about the same grades as if I study for 6 hours the day before the test. I know if I would spread out this time of studying to a few days I could still do the things I 'enjoy' doing and probably get a better grade on the test, I could correct the mistakes that I made before, I could have a normal college life, but it doesnt seem to work that way.

My inspiration has gone the path of the dinosaurs and disco. I look back at middle school and I remember getting my studies done before anything else. I would come home work on homework from 3-6, get everything done and I would ace the tests, nothing even close to doing bad. By the end of middle school things started to change I would study only a few hours a week and get a 4. in most of my classes so I decided that, that was the only thing that I needed to do. In high school this changed, I could get 3.0-4.0 with doing just the homework for every class, I didnt need to study and I would still get better grades than about 90% of the kids in my class. I ended high school with around a 3.65, thats ignoring my last semester where I didnt care because I was already accepted to the college I wanted and they wouldnt even look at the grades I got the final semester. From then on I guess was when I actually stopped caring, I could get the average grades with only giving 40% of what I could.

By the time finals came in college for the two semesters Ive been here I was in a little bit of a rut, I needed to get a near perfect grade on the final to recieving a passing grade in about half the classes Ive taken. To me a passing grade is a 3.0, I hate getting lower than that but I seem to live with it when it happens. For a few of my classes I would get the grade that I wanted on the final and be happy with the cramming that took place the week before. Other times I would get a lower grade and get annoyed with myself because I knew I could do better. If you are still confused I would usually go into a final with a 1.5-2.0 and after the final would end with anywhere from a 2.0-3.0, but one of the classes I ended with a 3.5 which I found rather interesting but didnt complain one bit.

Even though I hate failing I still cant find the inspiration that I wanted so I could do better in a class before the final. I guess by putting this up Im hoping to address the problem first hand, and by letting people read this maybe I can get out of the slump that I am in. This is probably the more difficult way to go about it, the easy way would be to talk to a psychologist or get drugs to deal with ADD even though I dont think I have it. I want to get out of this hole Ive dug myself but it still isnt enough inspiration, the only thing that is left to do is cry myself to sleep, or just fall asleep holding back the tears. I just get so frusterated with myself...

-"We must always fear the wicked. But there is another kind of evil that we must fear the most, and that is the indifference of good men. " -Boondock Saints

Turkey Day!

The day of giving thanks, the day of thanking other, the day of getting thanks, etc etc etc. I know all the thought behind the day, and why its important but the only thing that comes to mind anymore when I think of Thanksgiving is all of the food. That must be a total guy response but when I think of it all I can imagine is the mountains of food in front of me. Then the vision of Thanksgiving goes all to shit. Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for what we have but it has added helping people who dont have enough to be thankful for. With this second meaning we find that through all the splurging that we go through we have destroyed the meaning of thanksgiving! But why look into it that far, it was created to show all we have to be thankful for and it should stick to that. Even if you dont have much there is still stuff to be thankful for, so dig deep and you shall find it. And once again Im just talking so nothing matters and Im spent...

-In the end nothing really matters.

Song time!

Greenday - Nice Guys Finish Last.... Songs name tells it all

Nice guys finish last
You're running out of gas
Your sympathy will get you left behind
Sometimes you're at your best, when you feel the worst
Do you feel washed up like piss going down the drain

Pressure cooker pick my brain and tell me I'm insane
I'm so fuckin’ happy I could cry
Every joke can have its truth by now the joke's on you
I never knew you were such a funny guy
Oh nice guys finish last, when you are the outcast.
Don't pat yourself on the back, you might break your spine

Living on command
You're shaking lots of hands
You’re kissing up and bleeding all your trust
taking what you need
Bite the hand that feedsYou lose your memory and you got no shame