The Mindless Mind

Finals week

2005-05-02T11:11:00.000-04:00

Gotta hate finals week, other than the point that you will never see some of your profs ever again. Sure it might be a sad, sad day for some but in the end its for the better, or thats what I keep telling myself. So to everyone out there, stay calm, relax, laugh a little, and your finals shouldnt be as bad as your thinking. Good luck everyone!

In the immortal words printed as the banner of my cell phone.... Ahhhhh FUCK!

Ive been lazy

2005-04-24T02:16:00.000-04:00

Yes yes this place still exists I just havent had time to actually put anything online, or the time I have has been squandered. Here is something I typed up the other night and figured I might as well throw it online.

contemplating the meaning of life again, it never stays the same. there is something about its ever changing that keeps me interested in seeking that i know i cannot find. the complexity of a term so simple is a challange to figure out, but sometimes when something is a challenge to figure out the answer is quite simple. so if the answer to life was simple and plain and out in the open why has no one figured it out... or maybe everyone knows the answer its just something that seems too much like common knowledge to even give the title 'answer'. an answer is only an answer to something if the something is a question, so the meaning of life might not even be a question so there is no answer. if this is true all the philosophers who spent years and years of their lives seeking the 'answer' to the meaning of life were simply seeking an 'answer' that doesnt exist.
even the thought of this brings tears to my eyes because someone was so bent on trying to understand this something, that they gave precious time out of their lives to seek this something that in the end really doesnt mean much. to them what they were thinking of ment everything, so it wasnt a waste in their eyes it was a challenge and they knew they would find the answer.
so i ask you now, whats holding you back from doing whatever you want to do with your life? if people can seek something that means so little to many other people so passionately, whats stopping you from doing the same?
for me, personally, its fear. fear of success, fear of losing the world i know to a world i wish to know, a world i wish to be a part of, but the change from this success startles me, it seems too much too great for me to handle. so here i sit contemplating the meaning of life, sending my thoughts in a circle again back to the beginning.

Something, not sure what but its something.

2005-01-17T19:10:00.000-05:00

Well this is another year down for me, still alive and still getting older. At midnight tonight I will reach the magical age of 20 when you dont get anything but one year closer to legally drinking and purchasing alcohol. When I first thought of this I had millions of things to type here but now that I start typing I sorta forgot all of them so Im ending this very very early...

Hmm...

2004-12-10T01:38:00.000-05:00

What is the definition of love? By a definition of a dictionary...
-A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
-A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
--Sexual passion.
--Sexual intercourse.
--A love affair.
-An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
-A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
-An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
-A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
-The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
All of that is the meaning of love, for some reason I feel that words cannot describe the true meaning of love. Love is something that is felt inside, it is not sexual feelings, it is not attraction physically, it is no romance. Love is something that people have thought about for years and years, many of the great minds of the past and present have thought about such a topic just to find themselves lonely and divorced. I find that no matter how hard that one tries to find love they never will, but when they give in to everything and lose themselves to the world that they will actually find what they are looking for. Many of the great discoveries of our time have been by mistake, or so people say, so why not also love. Is not love a great discovery? Is not love a commitment to live, is not love something that everyone and everything in the world wishes for? I feel that everything in the world, be you human, animal, plant, etc, has a love in this world. For many it is something just as selfish as life itself, but how much love can you show for anyone else if all you care about is your own life? Like I said love is something that people have thought about for year and years and years, and something that people will think about for years to come. What if everything was solved, and everyone knew the absolute feeling of love? Personally I feel that the world would still be missing something, something that everyone needs.

People would be missing the adventure of finding out that love meant to them. There is not one description of love, but millions upon millions of them. Every person in the world has their own definition of love, may it subside over a certain person, or over a certain object, it may even be themselves! I have no room to judge, for I like 80% of the people in the world do not know what true love actually is. I dont have a solution for this dilemma, I dont have my own definition.

The one thing that I do know is when I find my definition of love I will truely feel that it is the true definition. Love is not about sex, its not about money, its not about feeling the best when you are around a certain person. Love is something that no one in the world can explain and if anyone ever tries they will find themselves cornered and confused. There are no words to explain the way you feel, and there is no possible way you could create a string of words to explain how you feel. This is the closest meaning of love I can come up with, though I know this is still wrong.
-Love is something you give everything for and it still isnt enough, Love is something you cry over at night because it bothers you so much, Love is something or someone that you would die for to protect, Love is something that you would give up everything just to be with, Love is something that you dream about day in and day out, Love is something that both people / objects (hopefully people) feel equally, Love is something that not even death can destroy, Love is something that eats away at your heart every moment you arent thinking about it, Love is something that you despise when you lose only because feel like you are missing something in your life, Love is something that misses you as much as you miss it, Love is something that cries with you as you go through hard times. This is my definition of love, sex has nothing to do with it, looks have nothing to do with it, they are only things that most people wish that they could have.

As I think I said, love is a topic best dealt with when you can clearly think about the topic. You cannot decide how much you love a person when all you can think about is... damn I wonder how they are in bed. This is wrong but this is what society has come to, it is all about sex and all of everything that comes from it. Of course this is an added bonus to everything that 'everyone' works for, but this isnt whats totally important. When you feel true love you will know it, you wont need someone to tell you thats what you really want, you wont need the feeling of sex to tell you this is right, you dont need friends to tell you this is best, you will just know, and when you feel this is doesnt matter what else you feel for other people, it will be nothing compared to that person.

If none of this makes sense I am sorry for I am exhausted and the best thing to do at this moment is for me to fall asleep, so until next time keep dreaming and always remember sleep is over-rated.

"Not all that glitters is gold."

So very tired and uninspired

2004-12-01T01:47:00.000-05:00

So this will be one of the first times when this is actually about me, or more so than not. It seems that everytime I sit down to do my homework I have inspiration to get it done. I know I want to pass my classes but it seems that there is nothing I can do to make myself get anything done. I laugh at my decisions to do other things, and the other things are starting to annoy me because its the same mindless task over and over again. I will gain spurts of inspirations but nothing gets done with them other than more slacking off. I have an exam on thursday, by the time I wake up tomorrow it will be one day away, almost exactly, and for some reason Im not worried about it. I have studied two of the 6ish sections on the test and feel confident that I dont know enough but at the same time I dont feel like I need to study. Is this just a method of me telling myself that I dont really want to take this path in life or is it myself reverting to high school once again where I didnt have to study. All I needed to do then was goto class and do about half the homework and I would ace almost every test but now I find that even if I study a week in advance I will get about the same grades as if I study for 6 hours the day before the test. I know if I would spread out this time of studying to a few days I could still do the things I 'enjoy' doing and probably get a better grade on the test, I could correct the mistakes that I made before, I could have a normal college life, but it doesnt seem to work that way.

My inspiration has gone the path of the dinosaurs and disco. I look back at middle school and I remember getting my studies done before anything else. I would come home work on homework from 3-6, get everything done and I would ace the tests, nothing even close to doing bad. By the end of middle school things started to change I would study only a few hours a week and get a 4. in most of my classes so I decided that, that was the only thing that I needed to do. In high school this changed, I could get 3.0-4.0 with doing just the homework for every class, I didnt need to study and I would still get better grades than about 90% of the kids in my class. I ended high school with around a 3.65, thats ignoring my last semester where I didnt care because I was already accepted to the college I wanted and they wouldnt even look at the grades I got the final semester. From then on I guess was when I actually stopped caring, I could get the average grades with only giving 40% of what I could.

By the time finals came in college for the two semesters Ive been here I was in a little bit of a rut, I needed to get a near perfect grade on the final to recieving a passing grade in about half the classes Ive taken. To me a passing grade is a 3.0, I hate getting lower than that but I seem to live with it when it happens. For a few of my classes I would get the grade that I wanted on the final and be happy with the cramming that took place the week before. Other times I would get a lower grade and get annoyed with myself because I knew I could do better. If you are still confused I would usually go into a final with a 1.5-2.0 and after the final would end with anywhere from a 2.0-3.0, but one of the classes I ended with a 3.5 which I found rather interesting but didnt complain one bit.

Even though I hate failing I still cant find the inspiration that I wanted so I could do better in a class before the final. I guess by putting this up Im hoping to address the problem first hand, and by letting people read this maybe I can get out of the slump that I am in. This is probably the more difficult way to go about it, the easy way would be to talk to a psychologist or get drugs to deal with ADD even though I dont think I have it. I want to get out of this hole Ive dug myself but it still isnt enough inspiration, the only thing that is left to do is cry myself to sleep, or just fall asleep holding back the tears. I just get so frusterated with myself...

-"We must always fear the wicked. But there is another kind of evil that we must fear the most, and that is the indifference of good men. " -Boondock Saints

Turkey Day!

2004-11-28T22:34:00.000-05:00

The day of giving thanks, the day of thanking other, the day of getting thanks, etc etc etc. I know all the thought behind the day, and why its important but the only thing that comes to mind anymore when I think of Thanksgiving is all of the food. That must be a total guy response but when I think of it all I can imagine is the mountains of food in front of me. Then the vision of Thanksgiving goes all to shit. Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for what we have but it has added helping people who dont have enough to be thankful for. With this second meaning we find that through all the splurging that we go through we have destroyed the meaning of thanksgiving! But why look into it that far, it was created to show all we have to be thankful for and it should stick to that. Even if you dont have much there is still stuff to be thankful for, so dig deep and you shall find it. And once again Im just talking so nothing matters and Im spent...

-In the end nothing really matters.

Song time!

2004-11-20T18:18:00.000-05:00

Greenday - Nice Guys Finish Last.... Songs name tells it all

Nice guys finish last
You're running out of gas
Your sympathy will get you left behind
Sometimes you're at your best, when you feel the worst
Do you feel washed up like piss going down the drain

Pressure cooker pick my brain and tell me I'm insane
I'm so fuckin’ happy I could cry
Every joke can have its truth by now the joke's on you
I never knew you were such a funny guy
Oh nice guys finish last, when you are the outcast.
Don't pat yourself on the back, you might break your spine

Living on command
You're shaking lots of hands
You’re kissing up and bleeding all your trust
taking what you need
Bite the hand that feedsYou lose your memory and you got no shame

Forget something?

2004-11-09T01:06:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get the feeling like you forgot something or that you are missing something? I have never been able to understand why one gets this feeling or what this feeling actually means. Im just rambling and done now...

The one?

2004-10-31T01:31:00.000-05:00

Why is it when you get tired you usually think about the things you try and keep out of your mind? Its usually something about the one that got away, the one you let go, the one you wish you could still be with, etc. You then realize how long you have actually been alone, but you know you havent been alone the whole time... have you? I mean you have friends who understand you and you can goto with your problems because they have the same type of problems themselves. You also have your memories of everything, how good everything was, how perfect life seemed, how perfect the other person was for you, etc. Then again you realize how long you have actually been alone and it hits you like a ton of bricks, even if you dont show it on the outside it kills you inside. You begin to wonder what is left inside that keeps you going back for a beating every time you dream of them, and you wonder what is left inside that keeps getting you up again. Your emotions are usually the thing left that keeps you dreaming for a beating, and raises you up once again from your beating. If you havent noticed people will always hide their emotions in one way or another, then after your emotions are shown you find a new way to hide them, this time a way that changes your actions just enough to where it will be difficult for people to uncover your emotions once again. With your new actions/outlook on life, or whatever you wish to call it, you continue life once again toward the goal you have set for yourself this time strengthened by the fact that you are stronger because of your past actions. You then slowly start to forget the people that attacked these emotions, or uncovered those emotions, no matter if it was on purpose or if it was an accident. Now the ones you let get away, the ones you let go, and the ones you wish you could still be with become faint memories which seem to be absorbed by the ones you now care about, the ones you are now with, and the ones you wish you could be with forever. You will always see something you like in the people you meet because they have something in common with ones that got away, the ones you let go, the ones you wish you could still be with, the ones you are with now, the ones you care about, and the ones you wish you can be with forever. From here you will realize that everyone is connected to everyone else because in the end we all care about something that someone else will and they will care about something that someone else will and so on until everyone is connected. So the one you cared about so much is actually one of millions upon millions of people that you could meet and get to know, all you have to do is find them and take the time to get to know them, and since there are so many people in the world this should be difficult. The one drawback is there are also restrictions that you have to take into consideration, restrictions based on belief, the way you were raised, etc. So in the end the one that was as special as you thought was, but chances that you wont find someone else just as special to you are so slim that you shouldn't even worry about it. The thing you should worry about is getting some sleep and take care of your goals in life first, becuase good things come to those who wait, and if you be yourself when that time comes you should have nothing to worry about. Now for me, I need some sleep because I know I have goals that I need to complete tomorrow.

Little end note here... This isnt about anyone in particular in my life, so please please please dont read too much into this. I dont want to get too many questions about what its about either, there is no hidden message, all it is are my thoughts, right, wrong or indifferent.

-In the end all we are is human, and humans make mistakes.

The best fix!

2004-10-27T23:19:00.000-04:00

Once again I have been reminded about what the best fix in the world is. I mean talk about something that can make all the problems in the world vanish in a matter of a few seconds. Something this great should be illegal but for some crazy reason it is still as legal as growing grass. I dont mean 'grass' as in pot, I mean grass as in the grass that grows on the ground as a cover, and people spend thousands of dollars to make look nice and green and pretty, just like the perfect fix. Its not always green but it does have a way to stick around for years to come, but its not acid. To tell you truth its not a drug at all, because I dont think you can buy drugs in a store, but this you can! Give up on what it is? I know I would be confused as hell if I were in your shoes so I guess Ill just tell you what it is. The best fix in the world is.... Duct Tape. Thats right duct tape, it will fix anything you ever break and the gray color it comes with is one of a kind. Now there are many other colors to choose from so if you dont enjoy the shiny gray you can take one of about 5 other shiny colors.
About the fixing anything part, if you can never fix anything you have to try duct tape. There is something about it that makes everything better, it even removes warts (no joke). Dont take my word for it though, just listen to some quick fixes that you can use duct tape for.
1) Out of rope and need to tie someone up? Wrap them in duct tape and you will have nothing to worry about.
2) Brothers/Sister/Roommate/Detainee annoying you? Shut them up with a piece of duct across the mouth, best quickest fix.
3) Need to hang something up on your wall? Duct tape is extremely adhesive so you dont have to worry about it falling right away like you would with scotch tape.
4) Bumper fall off your car? You might want to get something other than duct tape for this but if you so wish you can make a rope with the tape and tie it back on.
The list goes on and on, but these are some of my personal favorites. I just dont see why anything this versital is as cheap as it is as well. You can even make a prom dress and tux out of it to possibly win a scholarship, who wouldnt want semi-free money that easy! Well for now I decided this is enough information on something as great as duct tape and I shall turn in, so until next we meet...

-Dont leave me hanging, this tape isnt going to hold forever

Did you hear that?

2004-10-27T01:43:00.000-04:00

So much time, so little to say... Its usually the other way around but when you dont sleep too much you really dont have much to say since your talking all day long. Talking to people in person, on a cell phone, on AIM, etc, etc. And cell phones, oh dont get me started but in all reality you know thats what I'm going to talk about.
Just sitting in class you hear a ring from somewhere around you, everyone looks your direction when you look at your phone to make sure it isnt you. After you make sure it isnt you, you still sink into your seat because no one else is making a move to check their phone so everyone thinks you are just letting it ring. Even the prof is looking at you, and you know he just wants to take the phone and throw it out the window. In the end you were the one blamed for one other person who in the end was in the bathroom at the time the phone rang and I think you know the end of this story, mainly because it wasnt even your ring tone.
This story was pretty much useless but thats ok, no one really cares. They are just here to see if I make a fool of myself late at night slipping up my wording. Back to the phones now, after you talk to anyone on a cell phone for hours when either of you are driving you notice the wide range of sounds someones voice can actually take. You will hear the low tone like the person is miles away, then when they notice this is happening they speak up which sounds like screaming when the signals get better again. If you are one of the people listening to the conversations somewhere you notice how open people are on the phone, which for me is extremely hillarious. Your just standing in line waiting for your turn to order food at some fast food joint and you hear the guy infront of you telling his friend about the chick he did last night. The funny part is, you know the 'chick' hes talking about and then you think... how drunk was he to do someone like that? This might just be me but I feel things like that justify the use of cell phones. They may seem like they control peoples lives, because they do, but in the end I enjoy the cheap laughs that they bring about, its cheaper than seeing stand-up and just about as good. So there is my nightly, by-nightly, weekly, whenever I feel like it post, and for now sleep is not as over-rated as previousally noted.

-"The things you own end up owning you"

Change...

2004-10-20T22:40:00.000-04:00

Well if anyone had seen this before this post you might notice something different, the background is now changed. Even though its a little different do not fear, since people fear change for one reason or another. I guess that will be a topic for this evening but why change from the normal nothingness that has been the topic for so many weeks, well because I am not afraid to change things up a little bit! Dont take my word for it though, just look around. Everyday you will see people doing the exact same thing, the exact same way, at about the exact same time. If you ask people about this the main answer you will get is its just a schedule, but we all know it could be changed. It might be more of a convenience thing but if they so wished, and didnt fear it, they could change. I might just be talking out of my ass but from what Ive noticed most people have atleast one thing they wouldnt change, may it be physical, mental, or just some other random things. Anyways its late and I have other things I need to do, just dont go changing on me.... PLEASE DONT CHANGE ON ME!!!

-Empty truths, empty promises, and empty bottles.

Something new

2004-10-15T01:15:00.000-04:00

I said I would put what ever I wanted here so heres something new, a poem I wrote when I was bored as hell in IAH. Dont ask me what it means, I just threw words together.

Losing my mind everytime I rhyme,
Killing my time while flipping a dime,
Staring at the clock waiting for my time,
Only my mind waits for the chime.

Is there meaning behind the time,
Where you do nothing but wait for the chime,
Watching people smoke that dime,
which you flipped during this rhyme.

-In the end all the meaning in the world means nothing.

Dont sue me!

2004-10-10T23:49:00.000-04:00

Guess whats back, back again, this blog is back, so its not dead. Dream on, Dream on if you think it was going to die, I couldn't let the good Lord take this away. Now after that musical enterence I think I will get down to business, what even this business may be. Ah music sounds great to the ear, soothes the most savage beast, and has lead to many illegitament children. There is also the mixed messages, severe language, demoralizing lyrics, and psychos who take the lyrics too seriousally. These psychos may be fans or angered parents picketing infront of record company headquarters because we all know that is going to do soooo much. We know the lyrics of many of the songs today arent the greatest thing in the world, they take everything to a new level of low, especially the intelligents of the artists. I know not all artists are this bad but there is a majority of them that are, and Im not going to generalize at all... well maybe I am, but the rap industry is the worst. I know they make 'good' music but there is so much wrong with the lyrics of the songs, I love the beat but the lyrics are horrid 75% of the time, but I guess thats what it takes to be a rapper. There is a good part to music like I pointed out earlier, its relaxing, it gets you ready for certain events, its what makes clubs what they are, etc etc. Im not dissing music, I just want to point out what I think is wrong with it today, that and there so many bands theres bound to be something good out there... Once again if this made no sense I have no clue how to help it.

-Music soothes even the most savage beast.

I dont get it...

2004-10-04T01:32:00.000-04:00

Today I discovered something, but when the time came to share my vision with the world my short attention span gave me the gracious gift of forgetting what it was. I dont remember what exactly it was but I know it would have revolutionized the world. As I was trying to remember what it was I again lost my attention to a bug flying around the room, or someone walking past my room, I dont exactly remember. So then I decided I might as well try and get some homework done, which I got one problem done before I got bored. When that happened I started to listen to music and play a videogame for a little while. About this time I got hungry so I went over to get food, I remember something about french toast, and french english muffins, which to this moment I still dont understand. Last I knew the only thing that was french english was canada but the english muffins werent good enough to be considered canadian. Since Im talking about canada I should bring up the fact that I am not canadian but I still enjoy going there, especially when its for a week for snowboarding. Anyways I forget where I was going with this, other than... other than... oh look a spider!

-The mind is a terrible thing to waste.

So much time so little to say...

2004-10-02T22:49:00.000-04:00

So many days to talk about so little time, actually I have all the time in the world but nothing to talk about. I find the less I actually do the less I have to worry about, therefore less that I have to talk about. I imagine I could talk about something but nothing seems all that interesting, you see for I have a disease called the BLD, Boring Life Disease. I have also found that many people at MSU have also come down with this syndrome and I feel it is my job to inform the world about my findings. The symptoms of my increasingly common disease are as follows... Fridays and Saturdays with little or nothing to do, spending your weekend evenings studying for a test that you are over prepared for, drinking in your room/house with 1-2 other people, spending your weekend doing homework, losing your virginity to a porn movie and a blow-up doll, and the list goes on and on. Although I myself have only become victim to the first through forth symptoms I fear that other symptoms may arise. There is hope for the world though, for I have found a way to off-set the problems with the disease. The easiest way has been to get a group of friends and go out and party, dance, or laugh your ass off at drunk people. Enjoy this information, and dont become a victim or BLD!

-"Stop acting like a bitch before I slap you like one." -Mr. White

Little Background...

2004-09-30T01:52:00.000-04:00

Its that time once again, or so thats what my clock tell me, and its almost never wrong. There was that one time a few years ago when my watch stopped but I kinda missed the time it stopped on so I didnt mind too much. The topic for this post is sorta related to this but its more so the past than the clock. I decided to give everyone a little background of myself so you know where Im coming from with all of my posts.
I grew up in a small town close to Hell, Im not saying the town was hell but the actual name of the town close to me was Hell, MI. I lived in the same town for most of my life, it wasnt the whole thing becasue of a few years when I lived somewhere else but that really isnt that important. I lived with my mother the whole time, and visited my father every other weekend for a couple days. I hope you caught that, if not one Im sorry, and two my parents were divorced. They were divorced since I was 2 or 3 so I dont remember how they were together, I really dont remember much of anything from when I was 2 or 3 so that doesnt suprise me. Also I dont want to hear peoples sorries about the matter, Im over the matter, it never bothered me much in the first place, my parents still talk, and it wasnt your fault so what would you be sorry about? Aside from that I lived a pretty much 'normal' life, or as normal as any one life gets. I played soccer for a great majority of my life and never really got that good, but I still enjoyed every moment of it. Baseball took over the rest of my time growing up until I got pissed at one of my coaches and quit the game and took up tennis. I imagine you could call me a good student up till my Junior year of high school when I got lazy and decided it wasnt worth the effort. Either way I still made it through high school with a GPA high enough to get into MSU. A side from that I grew up catholic christian, but Im no die hard zealot so none of my posts will reflect that.

-Remember the past but embrace the future.

The Beginning

2004-09-29T01:00:00.000-04:00

I started writing something up around 12:20 and as I get done I lose it somehow so this first post will be something simple and out there just for the hell of having something out there. I really dont know what going to be posted here other than random ideas and bullshit. Ill give my opinion on any topic if anyone so cares or Ill just type random shit that comes to my mind at the hours when I should be sleeping. Since sleep is overated anyways all of my post will come later at night, so dont expect anything to be posted before 11:00PM unless I get bored as hell. Also if something makes little sense its because of the hour Im posting. Till my first actual post enjoy your sleep and dont stay up to late, its bad for you.

-From then till now is only a short story but now till then is a novel waiting to be changed.